holy crap, Wheaton has a black cat named Luna like I do! …and she’s apparently just as helpful, lol!
wilwheaton:
My cat, Luna, “helping” me play Alhambra.
betthearm:
I’ve always loved this.
Connect The Dot tattoo, via Colleen AF Venable on Flickr.
this has got to be the best tat idea evar!!!
baggage
so a woman claims to be my half sister from the man I’ve been told is my biological father. she stated she would be gettin a DNA test for us to prove my paternity. the father freaks saying all sorts of various versions of the near opposite stories I’ve heard all abt me not bing his… I was fine with never knowing but then she found me, giving me hope of ever healing this monsterous chasm in my heart where my Dad should’ve been. Now since he’s go fragile health shesays she’s torn and doesn’t want to upset him more causing a heart attack or something. All I can think abt is what if he isn’t the one? what if my mother bawled nothing but lies to me… what if that hurt and scared little girl in there doesn’t care and just needs to be told the truth for once… once… in 35 fuckin yrs I just need to understand what happened… and why I was so unlovable… so there I am, yet again, coping with life…
more sleepy insomnia ramblings…
ok so I’ve gotten 2 hrs of sleep and here I lay at 5am trying to figure out how to get back to that dream I’d been having, to no avail. Odd visions of The Goonies rumble by my mind’s eye for no apparent reason at all…
I’d really like some ice cream right about now… maybe I should get outta bed and go draw. I’m finding myself more inspired to draw than ever before but I really need a template thingie to do all the things in my head… maybe Christmas will dump one in my lap.
Suddenly Wil Wheaton’s quirky grin flashes in my mind for no good reason but to confuzzle me. I miss watching Big Bang Theory! I once had a huge crush on Wil back in his ST-NG days. He was my inspiration to wanna become an astronaut actually :) I had wanted to explore the universe and Terraform planets, and be an architect of space stations on the moon or Mars… My mom said I was too fat to become an astronaut though so that dream died along wth countless ones before and after that she killed.
Being a parent is hard. Nobody gives you a damned manual so ye do your best with whatcha got. I have spent so many years angry at my parents for failing so miserably at their most important job, keeping me safe and letting me grow up secure in their love for me. Instead I grew up believing my parents saw me as a burden. I was a mistake, an unwanted bastard child of a man too immature to claim me and a woman too damaged to do anything about anything. He disappeared, convincing himself that the blood tests and lawyers were wrong. She wished she could do the same. He raised a new daughter a couple yrs later and was as loving of a father as there could be, likey to compensate for the guilt of walking away from me. I shall accept that as payment due and move on happy knowing something lovely came from my pain. My mother however married his replacement and continued to load up the pain in trucks to dump on my heart and mind. I know being a single parent is hard, been there done that. I understand being so young makes it even worse. I get all the reasons why she did things, said things, felt things about me and my life… but it still hurts. Its shitty to look back on my childhood and feel mainly like you were a worthless burden to your family cuz that’s the message they sent everyday. If I wasn’t alive my stepdad wouldn’t be able to use me as a tool to get back at my mom for shit he was pissed at her for. He hurt me cuz he knew hurting her wouldn’t do anything to her but hurting me would kick below the belt. She came to see me as that afore mentioned tool of pain and resented me for it. So not only was he doing shit to hurt me but my mom got angry AT ME on top of it! (apparently I need to vent, lol)
Again I say being a parent is hard and ye do your best with whatcha got. My mom grew up in an ex-Naval abusive alcoholic Irish Catholic household. She was disabled and had one hand since birth and her mother (acording to her) never wanted kids. So yeah, she didnt have much in the way of good parenting. Yet somehow I got along loads better with her folks than with her. I can give her all the excuses in the Universe but it won’t ever change the fact that the one person who was supposed to protect and love me proved to me daily that she wished I was never born.
All I can do now is hope and pray my kids don’t ever feel that way about my love for them. The cycle stops here if I have anything to say abt it.
This started all whimsy and randomness and ended all dark and mournful… lol oops…
~Em
My babystep…
This is a very sleepy posting for my very first attempt at this whole tumblr thing… i will keep it brief however since even my cat has worn herself out and is sleeping next to me as i type…
I’m hoping that this site will allow me a place to blather on inanely about shit only i really care about. A place to word vomit as needed and maybe even expand my social circle somewhat! I know many ppl who would read this stuff will be bored, disgusted, uninterested, or even hyped up about things said… but this is my view of my own reality. It has effected me in very real and powerful ways regardless of how others may or may not remember things. I say here now that this isn’t a place to argue symantics, details, or bullshit excuses. This is where i’ve found myself at a time where healing wounds and moving on is paramount. I will write things here that could piss ppl off or offend some, which isn’t my intention. But it is a window into my soul none the less and hopefully while you are a guest on that windowsill you will tread lightly with compassion and grace.
I’m really sleepy so i’m rambling already… Until next time…
~Em
